Sensitive

I wished my father, Happy Birthday on his 58th Birthday last week. Wow, he's already 58 huh.He was complaining that he's now taking a pain killer due to his back-ache.  Yeah, none of us is getting younger. I pray for Abah to be blessed with health, Amin.

Me, myself and my father? Our relationship is no longer ordinary like we used to be. Well, this is not something new tho. I've 'detached' from my father since I was 18 years old, perhaps? He has chosen his own path, his own life. I move on with my own life, my own path. It was never easy for me. I buried all of my heartbroken with anger and hate so that I can suppress all my tears and forget how much I miss him. At times, I pretend that he never existed in my life. Sounds so cruel? Well, just at times. But only Allah knows how much I miss my father, but I know things won't be like before. 

I remembered I cried on my cousin's wedding reception when my father said goodbye. Of course I didn't cry in front of him. You think you are so macho? Or it's just my ego? That night was a minor havoc tho. Anyways, that night also, I've been crying on my way back home, while I was packing my stuff for my Vietnam trip. Hmm, luckily I was going to Vietnam, so I managed to 'archive' that incident for a while. No one ever noticed. I think.  

But, not too long to be archived, that day when I had meeting with my auntie & uncle for my youngest brother's engagement preparation, my uncle asked me, "May I know what did he said to you until you cried that bad?" Owh, no...  Guess what happened? I cried!!!! I can't even say anything, I was choking and crying, in the middle of people having their lunch at Restoren Syed, PJ!! =_=" Cenggeng me! Pfft.. Believe me I would have never thought I would cry. It seems that 'Abah' topic is my very 'touchy' topic. I never knew that it would affect me badly. So, after I've pulled myself together, I told my uncle, "The part that he said nothing, was the reason I cried so bad. I was hoping he said more like ,'I'm going to miss you, 'I love you' but I know he won't say such things." I've made my auntie cried too that day. See, crying is contagious. Haih... 

Some fathers are fighting to get for their children's custody..Some been struggling to spend time with their children..Some said that their children are the reason they are here, living and alive now.. Some don't even bother about their children's existence.. Some children don't even bother about their fathers..Some wished their fathers are still alive, for they have not spend much time with them..Some like this, some like that... That's life...

I have a father, they have theirs...

But why should I envy their relationship with their father?

Such feelings, it just did, I didn't made it up...

I love you, Abah. 
It's okay if you never replied 'I love you too." 

Guess whether am crying or not while typing this entry? Of course I didn't :)